‘That moment’

Sometimes, you are in a place where by chance you end up seeing a snippet of someone’s most emotionally intimate moment.

Through no will of theirs or your own, you become a part of it just for the briefest of moments and a fragment of that moment becomes a part of you as well.

You see their tears, their desperation, their heartache and you know their lives will never be the same. You see that look, the one of being lost, eyes searching for someone to make sense of what they have been told, for more answers to questions unasked, or for someone to tell them that it’s all just a horrible nightmare that they’ll wake from soon.

Then, almost as immediately as that intense rawness is there, self-preservation takes hold and although life is falling down around them, you see that inner strength begin to take control. Strength that may not last for long but only seconds before seemed impossible.

This inbuilt strength enables them to give comfort to those they are with, those who are suffering and trapped in that moment too.

That moment, the one where the rest of the world ceases to exist, that moment which suddenly becomes the centre of the universe, the only place that matters and all the now insignificant worries that seemed so important before, vanish into the ether.

The fragility of life becomes a harsh reality in these moments, these seconds where life is changed indefinitely.

Time is so very precious, this moment right now is the only moment you can ever be fully sure of and sometimes, by being in a place where by chance yours and others stories briefly entwine, we are reminded of what is truly important and priority in our own lives.


Today there is hope…

The dark clouds that were pressing down & starting to encompass everything around me seem to have lifted & although thoughts of them still cling to me like wisps of grey smoke, their overwhelming presence isn’t quite so heavy.

They may not have dispersed completely and this may be a short break just big enough to let some sun shine through, but at least today,

there is hope.



I am so excited! Beyond excited!

Finally, after hours spent either sitting in bushes watching & waiting, or wandering around following little trails & trying to work out which holes were active, then working out where to put a trail camera whilst getting stung by nettles, poked by twigs, scratched by brambles & spending lots of time looking like I’d been dragged out of a hedge, finally, I got some footage of a badger!!

I get really disheartened when I see photographs that I aspire to achieve myself, only to find out the animals have been baited, or the picture is set up, or taken of a captive animal and none of this information is included in the description.

Personally, I refuse to use any kind of bait to get my shots, so what you see, are animals in their natural habitat, displaying natural behaviour.

I will never distress or disturb an animal just to get “that shot” I may not get as many shots or those of a commercial standard as others do, but when I do get a picture I’m proud of, I’m even more proud of the fact that I’ve had to work for it, study the subject and have taken time to learn about the animals behaviour etc.

The pictures here are taken from the video clip ~ prior to this I have had clips of birds, rats, moving plants & sometimes nothing at all as I’d put the camera in the wrong position!

Making the whole experience even better, was the fact my children were involved from start to finish.

I took them out with me early evening & set the camera up, the skies opened, the sun shone & we saw the most beautiful double rainbow I have ever seen! We stood at the edge of the field and watched it get brighter & brighter, simply stunning.

I’d usually wait until they were at school to go and get the camera back as mornings are always rather hectic! But my youngest asked if we could go get it beforehand so off we went. When we got home, they quickly ate breakfast, I made their lunch boxes & then it was time to see if we’d caught anything on camera!

It started off with about 6 clips of a baby robin ~ which were actually very cute & a welcome change from rats! Then, the next clip was clearly a night-time one, I pressed play, a black & white face appeared, the 3 of us shrieked with delight! Just brilliant!

Snapshot 3 (19-05-2015 10-51)

Two very excited children & an equally excited mummy headed off on the school run ~ a fantastic start to the day!

Another day, another diet!

Organised, I must be organised ~ I have the motivation, I can do this, I will do this!

The alarm is set for 6am, the exercise gear is placed neatly by my bed ready for my early start.

My children don’t need to get up until 7.30am so that gives me an hour & a half to exercise, get showered & ready for the day. Easy, no sweat (hmm, ok.. there should actually be sweat) I have my meals sorted for the coming week, I am focussed, I am prepared.

Now, as I have been so good in my preparation I feel I deserve a last treat before the week begins.. it doesn’t matter that all I’ve done over the weekend is ‘treat’ myself, I still need that final naughty fix.

The trouble is, the cupboards are empty now of snacks & goodies, this makes my desire for chocolate even stronger! It’s 10pm, I can’t go to the shop as the children are fast asleep.. or could I? NO!!! Strike that thought immediately!

There is a box of chocolate mini rolls sat looking at me, I don’t really like them very much so they’re safe and besides that, they’re for school lunch boxes so I need to leave them alone.

As I’m thinking this, the idea of a gooey melted mini roll comes to mind & I can think of nothing else, before I know it, 2 (yes 2!!) have been unwrapped, put into a bowl and popped into the microwave for 30 seconds.

Heaven… sticky, warm, gooey, satisfying, chocolate heaven & it would be silly to leave that last bit of wine to go stale now wouldn’t it?! I mean, I can’t drink it this week, not now I’m so dedicated & organised!

I went to bed not long after, tummy full & content, head slightly fuzzy and I fell into a deep sleep.


The alarm!! What is this?? Why have I done such a thing? Ah yes!! Today’s the day!! The ‘New Me’ day.. I look at my clothes on the floor, I pull the duvet up a little higher & hit snooze, it’s not going to take an hour & a half now is it? I don’t need to get up quite so early. The same thought occurred to me 5 minutes later when the alarm sounded again, after hitting snooze 3 times I then cancelled it completely, closed my eyes, 2 more minutes and I’ll…..


The alarm goes off. Time to get up, get the children up, get breakfast made, lunch boxes, where are the mini rolls?? Oh, it’s all coming back to me.

Maybe tomorrow!

Crying doesn’t get the hedge cut!

I managed to get out for a walk Saturday…

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It was a lovely walk, through the woods and then onto a track where the colour of the trees was beautiful. I’ve added a ‘glamour glow’ to the picture, thought I’d snazz it up a bit, we could all do with a bit of snazzing up at times!

Whilst out, I thought that my next post would be about feeling tranquil in the woods, how the last remaining bluebells were casting a purple haze over the ground, the heady smell of wild garlic filled the air & the beautiful colours from the newly emerged copper beech leaves shone like… well, you get the idea.. but no, this post is going to be about my garden!

You know when you get to that point when you’ve put something off for so long that you just can’t put it off anymore? Well that’s what happened with my garden ~ or more precisely, the huge, falling over hedge!

I bought a hedge cutter a while back & it’s just been sat in the box taunting me ~ Saturday became the day to try it out!

After unpacking it, clearing up the mess (how much packaging?!) & donning my gardening gloves, I strode outside & looked at the task ahead.This is when the height & state of the hedge hit me, along with the overwhelming realisation of the rest of the work that needed doing.

It didn’t take long for the “I can do this!” mentality to change to a despairing “I can’t do this!” so I did what any other over emotional person would do in that situation.. I sat down; I looked around; I felt sorry for myself; I cried!

At one point, I wondered if perhaps I should have stayed married so “he” could deal with the hedge (quickly deciding that probably wasn’t the best basis for a marriage!!)

After wallowing in my own self pity for a short time, I said out loud “Come on, crying won’t get the hedge cut” & up I got.

I brandished that hedge cutter like warrior with a sword, I battled that monstrous hedge & am happy to say….

“I won!”

I lost the car!!!

So the plan (that wasn’t really a plan as such, more of a swirly floaty idea) was to start sharing some of the ‘deep & meaningful’ things that come into my mind all the time, which I then spend an age pondering but I HAVE to share this as I am SO embarrassed!

My little girl is off school poorly today, I have a day free from work so planned on going out with my camera as it seems like ages since I’ve taken any photographs. I phoned her daddy to see if he was able to come sit with her for an hour whilst I went out for a quick walk & did some shopping, thankfully he was free so once he arrived off I went.

I’m known for being a bit ditzy at times, I have no sense of direction whatsoever and could get lost on a straight road! (Makes my walks interesting, last weekend I was lost in some woods when a buzzard flew through the tree’s, I decided that was a sign so followed it the best I could! Worked though ~ got to the edge of the woods and recognised the field I was in!)

Oops… I digress! Where was I? Oh yes, so, I decided to drive to the lakes but the road was shut & I got confused with the diversion signs!! I thought I’d go do my bit of shopping & then go to the other lake that is closer to my house.

I should say, in my defence, I only got my car 2 days ago, so when I came out of the rather large shopping store into the huge car park, I think I can be forgiven for not being able to see my car! The one I had before had pink flowers stuck all over it so it was quite obvious (so long as you were looking in the general direction!) where it was, but this one is a pretty generic dark blue/black colour, as were most of the other cars there today!

I wandered up & down the rows, smiling to myself over my own silliness when a lovely lady came up to me & asked if I was ok!

“Ummm… yes, but, I’ve lost my car”

She smiled fondly at me (a look I have become quite accustomed to over the years!) and said she would help me.I told her the make, the colour & the first part of the number plate (luckily a friend had pointed out that it was the same numbers at the main road that leads into my town or I’d not have had a clue what it was!) I also told her I remember it being parked quite near a bollard! Maybe not the most helpful of things BUT much more helpful than when I’d lost another car as I couldn’t find the distinctive van I’d cunningly parked it next to!

Well with 2 of us on the case (she was blonde too so the ‘it’s a blonde thing’ comments I have since received from friends can’t be true!) we found my car quite quickly & with lots of thank you’s bestowed upon this kind lady, I scurried off to my car & jumped in with a sigh of relief.

My walk at the lake was quite dull in comparison so I came home & had a cuppa!

Not a clue what I’m doing but let’s see how it goes!

So I have a blog ~ I think!

I’m assuming I’ve set things up correctly but what is it they (whoever they are) say about assuming? “Don’t assume as it makes an ass out of u & me” something like that anyhow.

The purpose of this? Well, people are forever telling me I should write (maybe I have an irritating voice that they don’t want to hear, or maybe this way they get to choose what random waffles they ‘have’ to endure) anyhow, I do get told it frequently and although I am a shy person, once people start to get to know me and I share some of my life experiences, “You should write a book” invariably crops up at some point!

They (again, whoever ‘they’ are) say that everyone has one book in them, I have about 20, they’re all intertwined and mixed together & I don’t know where to start to unravel them. I figured if I started blogging instead, I could get some of the words that constantly fill my mind written down & try to straighten them out.

Photo Therapy ~ see, I was trying to be clever with my title, Phototherapy “The use of light in the treatment of physical or mental illness” whereas I use photography for the mental health issues I have dealt with and still deal with on a daily basis. Sadly, there’s still a big stigma about such issues so I pop a smile on my face every day and try to get on with life the best I can. The majority of people I know have no idea about the turmoil and angst that I battle with (or try to accept) on pretty much a daily basis.

I’m hoping that by sharing my thoughts and experiences, I will not only be helping myself, but may even help someone else along the way, so feel free to either sit with me & have a cuppa, or pop your boots on & lets walk at least a little part of this journey ‘they’ call life together.